I have potatoes and ketchup and wine and chocolate, all of which are organic.
Life is good. :)

And yes, I'm drinking wine at 9 in the morning. Does it matter? I sure hope not.

I'm watching this video, an Abraham-Hicks video and thinking about letting go of the idea of "working hard". I'm not sure how exactly but I'd rather think that things can be easy and that I can be a good flower. Whoa. I meant to write flow-er. A person that flows well, I was creating an word. I didn't know that it would end up being flower.
Flowers are awesome! Yay!
I can be a flower. :)

Kitty just came and meowed at me. Then she went away. She wants me to chase her. It's probably her favorite game.
Now how do I make kitty understand that after welding for hours and hours it's really not the best thing for me to run all over the house?
I wish we spoke the same language. Occasionally the meowtalk and humanenglishtalk just doesn't cut it.
I love you kitty. Perhaps we could schedule a time to chase you around?
Does kitty even know about time? I'm not sure.

Summer rainstorm, winds, monsoon rains, thunder and lightning, the beautiful color of the sky, the breaking of the heat, the tension release. If I had a backyard I think I'd be sitting in it getting poured on.
It's beautiful and so generous of the spirits to pour forth for us. Thank you.
:)

Also Mochi freaking rocks. That's a keeper. And buckwheat isn't wheat. It's this pretty little plant here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Illustration_Fagopyrum_esculentum0.jpg
That means I can have buckwheat noodles so long as it's just buckwheat. Yay!

For my research and nurturance:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egyptian_soul

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soul

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_%28spirituality%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_death

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dzogchen

"According to some schools of Tibetan Buddhism and Bön, Dzogchen is the natural, primordial state or natural condition of every sentient being, including every human being. Dzogchen, or 'Great Perfection' is the central teaching of the Nyingma school and is considered by them to be the highest and most definitive path to enlightenment.[1]

Our ultimate nature is said to be pure, all-encompassing, primordial awareness. This 'intrinsic awareness' has no form of its own and yet is capable of perceiving, experiencing, reflecting, or expressing all form. It does so without being affected by those forms in any ultimate, permanent way. The analogy given by Dzogchen masters is that one's nature is like a mirror which reflects with complete openness but is not affected by the reflections, or a crystal ball which takes on the colour of the material on which it is placed without itself being changed. Other evocative phrases used by masters describe it as an 'effulgence', an 'all-pervading fullness' or as 'space that is aware'. When an individual is able to maintain the rdzogs chen state continually, he or she no longer experiences dukkha, or feelings of discontent, tension and anxiety in everyday life. (Compare with nirvana). The polyvalent symbol and teaching tool of Dzogchen is the Gankyil."

"The word Dzogchen has been translated variously as Great Perfection, Great Completeness, Total Completeness, Supercompleteness. These terms also convey the idea that our nature as intrinsic awareness has many qualities that make it 'perfect'. These include indestructibility, incorruptible purity, non-discriminating openness, flawless clarity, profound simplicity, all-pervading presence and equality within all beings (i.e., the quality, quantity and functionality of this awareness is exactly the same in every being in the universe). It is said that the impressive personal qualities of the fully-enlightened Buddha derived from the fact that he was fully 'aligned' with this already-existing primordial nature. Descriptions of the Buddha as omniscient and omnipresent refer to his ultimate nature as this awareness. The term Dzogchen is a Tibetan rendering of the Sanskrit term maha sandhi and its variants, and is also used to render the Sanskrit term ati yoga (highest yoga);[2] although, more properly, rDzogs-chen is a direct translation of the Sanskrit term Mahā-siddhi ('Great Perfection').

The homonymous term Dzogchen designates a meditation practice and body of teachings aimed at helping an individual to recognize the Dzogchen state, to become sure about it, and to develop the capacity to maintain the state continually."

"Some teachers also regard Dzogchen as a teaching completely in its own right, independent of Buddhism or Bön. Namkhai Norbu says that, as our primordial nature, Dzogchen has existed since the beginning of time and is pointed to by various masters throughout the universe.[5]"


"The Dzogchen teachings focus on three terms: View, Meditation, and Action. To see directly the absolute state of our mind is the View; the way of stabilizing that View and making it an unbroken experience is Meditation; and integrating that View into our daily life is what is meant by Action."

"External world versus continuum

According to Dzogchen teachings, energy of an individual is essentially totally formless and free from any duality. However, karmic traces, contained in the storehouse consciousness of the individual's mindstream (Sanskrit: citta santana; Tibetan: sems rgyud) give rise to two kinds of forms:

* forms that the individual experiences as his or her body, voice and mind and
* forms that the individual experiences as an external environment.

It is maintained that there is nothing external or separate from the individual. What appears as a world of apparently external phenomena, is the energy of the individual himself/herself. Everything that manifests in the individual's field of experience is a continuum (Sanskrit: santana; Tibetan: rgyud). This is the Great Perfection that is discovered in the Dzogchen practice.[8]"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dzogchen

http://www.rigpawiki.org/index.php?title=Dzogchen

"Enough of this terror. We deserve to know Light and grow evermore lighter and lighter. ~ Joanna Newsom"

Yah, enough.
Vulnerable is. Strong is. Love is. Emptiness is. Help is.
Must ask for what I want and need.
Must give myself too, to myself.

I wonder if my Soul is afraid or if it's all just my ego feeling fear. Do Souls experience terror, too? Or do they always know the truth that makes them not afraid and simply have to suffer the terror of the ego?
I'm a bit tired of the ego getting the beating always. Always with the "not good enough". How it came to be I don't know but doesn't it need compassion too? Doesn't everything, don't we all?

Compassion. Here Now Compassion.

This is a lovely movie, It really helped my mind and heart: 1 Giant Leap (2002) "Duncan Bridgeman and Jamie Catto explore the global nature of music and art in this documentary that incorporates music and visuals from 25 countries including Senegal, Ghana, India, Thailand, Australia, New Zealand, and America. The film mixes tempo with talk and songs with stories and features the works of Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Dennis Hopper, Ram Dass, Tom Robbins, Brian Eno, R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe, Nina Cherry and more." Netflix has it on instant play. Here's a promo/trailer vid. It also got me to thinking I think I need to start singing as prayer again. Dancing too but I've done that more recently.

Weather for Beaverton, OR
99°F
Current:Clear
Wind: N at 21 mph
Humidity: 23%

It's a 102 in Portland. That's not unusual the difference, it's a bit warmer there in general.

And here I am adding to the heat by messing bout with my computer. Silly me.
It's warming my belly up.

I even took a dunk in the apartments' pool. That helped but I still couldn't sleep afterward.

Ever since I started making those diet changes my sweat hardly stinks at all and I sweat less. That's really nice in general but right now, I think especially nice.

I think I'm gonna go buy a sundress from Walgreens. They had really cute ones there last I was there. Hope they still do. That would be good.

Love yous. :)

I feel like talking. Even though my arms don't feel like typing.
So maybe this will be the cliffnotes update.

Work continues to be challenging. I'm not complaining, though I frequently wish I was SuperWelder.
While I'm sore almost everywhere and my fingers have calluses and my nails are half gone, I have noticed an increase in strength. Yay strength.

Tammus and I went to the river this last weekend. Yay us.
I saw lots of crows on the way back, lots and lots, then lots of starlings, then yesterday morn on the way home a hawk in the road (on the Burnside hill). I swerved to miss it and so did the car behind me. It was moving outta the way when I last saw it. That was interesting and strange.
Hawks is beautiful.

The graveyard shift schedule, I haven't quite figured out how to work it. Mostly I just hope friends will want to see me in the evening or night. My strange nocturnalness has pushed me into being awake for much of the morning. Seeing as how I get off work around 6am, it seems logical to stay up for a bit later. I try to be in bed by 1pm at the latest. Afternoon and evening were always my favorite but I must say mornings are beautiful. Especially at last break time, 4:30am when first light is coming and the skylight reflects off of the river water. It's beautiful.

I have organic red wine with no sulfites added. It's wonderful. :)

I've made even more dietary changes.
Presently here's the list of things I'm not eating.

Wheat and wheat gluten ~
(This also includes barley and oats and spelt and because it includes barley it also includes beer. )
Dairy, all kinds ~
All animal products, aka meat~
And I'm avoiding excitotoxins and weird, unhelpful additives.
(Which would include msg, aspartame, sucralose, and a huge list of names msg hides under, plus some other stuff.)

~~~
So, what can I eat? Uh, fruit, veggies, legumes, nuts, seeds, non-wheat grains, herbs, minerals, vegetable oils, vitamins, that sorta thing. Oh and chocolate as long as it doesn't have dairy or some other nasty additive. Chocolate good.
Ordering off a menu at a small town diner is challenging.
I'm actually pretty excited about this though, it forces me to eat new foods and new combinations of foods. I can afford to buy what I want now food wise so I can get the best things. It's a yay thing even if it is challenging.

I sometimes wonder if I seem like a total masochist with my diet stuff.
Believe me I'm really not doing it for the punishment but for the benefits.

I'm looking forward to positive changes in my health.

Lately I've been doing lots of money planning. Having an incoming paycheck gives me that opportunity. I've got all kinds of plans. Fun stuff on the list: new earrings and new tattoos. I'm excited about that. Yes. Still got some coloring to do before I can get the tattoo though, gotta decide on some of the colors.

Haven't been doing much of the artness but the time will come.

Alright, I gotta go put more lotion on and chill, maybe even read a book.

*mwah*

Solstice Moonrise borrowed from apod


Solstice Moonrise, Cape Sounion
Credit & Copyright: Anthony Ayiomamitis (TWAN)

It gets bigger if you poke it.

Explanation: Today's solstice marks the northernmost point of the Sun's annual motion through planet Earth's sky and the astronomical beginning of the northern hemisphere's summer. But only two days ago, the Full Moon nearest the solstice rose close to the ecliptic plane opposite the Sun, near its southernmost point for the year. Astronomer Anthony Ayiomamitis recorded this dramatic picture of the solstice Full Moon rising above Cape Sounion, Greece. The twenty-four hundred year old Temple of Poseidon lies in the foreground, also visible to sailors on the Aegean Sea. In this well-planned single exposure, a telescopic lens makes the Moon loom large, but even without optical aid casual skygazers often find the Full Moon looking astonishingly large when seen near the horizon. That powerful visual effect is known as the Moon Illusion.

I have found the secret formula for good sleep.

It is:
Time enough to sleep in, which means one must put ones ass in bed and compose the self for the process.
And...
my little sleep mask that has the elastic worn out that I used to carry in my toy bag and earplugs, the green kind from work.
One must wear the sleep mask and put the earplugs in the ears, yes.

I slept well. Seriously well. And when I got up I felt like I had created a well of silence in me while I slept that wasn't there before. It sat in my chest giving me peace.
And the earplugs work good in that they don't block out too much noise, specifically, I had no trouble hearing my alarm. I even heard traffic noise (my window was open) but it just didn't bother me, it was way muted.
It was awesome. I'm gonna do that again today.
:)

In case you're wondering these are the earplugs I used:
http://store.pksafety.net/purfoamearby.html
They're called Moldex Pura-Fit 6800 (with NRR 33 rating).

I miss my social life.

Kitty is dreaming.

I should be too, but I was hungry and had things my mind wanted me to attend to, to attend to.
Maybe I can go back to sleep now.
It's hot in here.

I've got some books to read, but I promised myself I'd make sleep a priority.
Funny I have to make such promises, but well, can't argue with the need.

Love you.

http://www.ted.com
Anthropologist Wade Davis muses on the worldwide web of belief and ritual that makes us human. He shares breathtaking photos and stories of the Elder Brothers, a group of Sierra Nevada indians whose spiritual practice holds the world in balance.
And lots of info and pictures from other peoples as well.
This is rich. :)

Alrighty, I've been told:

Rob Brezsny says
"SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You really have no right to tear yourself
down. Badmouthing yourself is a first-degree sin, and so is being mean to
yourself or depriving yourself of the care you need to thrive. This is
always true, of course, but in the coming week it's more crucial than ever
that you refrain from even the subtlest forms of self-abuse. To be
anything less than an imaginative lover and nurturer toward yourself could
upset the cosmic equilibrium so profoundly that everyone else would
suffer, too. Therefore, you owe it to the rest of us to shower yourself
with blessings".

So, time to be kind. Which means I'm gonna think kind thoughts for myself too.
The Universe loves me. :)
How's that for a start?
I'm welcoming blessings, success, happiness, joy, health, wellbeing, love into my life and my experience. I'm remembering how to allow in everything I need and desire for my happiness, joy, contentment, and positive transformations.
I am a being of light.

http://www.ted.com Mycologist Paul Stamets studies the mycelium -- and lists 6 ways that this astonishing fungus can help save the world.

Truth?

Work kicked my ass today.
Tammus says I'll get used to it. I want to believe him.
And I'm thinking very seriously about another massage this weekend.

I get paychecks every week. Yay me. :)

Me, I'm taking my vitamins and thinking of going back to taking advil every 8 hours.
I felt it was an accomplishment that I found I didn't need to take it so often but tonight I was dreaming of morphine, opium. Yah. So maybe, least till I'm up to speed. Which time I hope is soon.

I was thinking of this american life. Not the show, though it's a good show, but the reality.
Of how much disfunction, how much pain, lack of health occurs, how hard people work even when they don't get to move their body much.
And then thinking of labor protection laws. Of the fact that this job was one of the few of the many that I looked into that didn't insist on "mandatory overtime". Thinking of railroads being built and sweatshops. Of little kids working.
Thinking of the fact that "In the United States, only 50 percent of children born in 1900 could reasonably hope to reach the age of 50; life expectancy today is approximately 77 years of age."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_expectancy

Hmm, if I was an average (and I'm not) that could mean that I was halfway through this life.

What do I want?
To feel strong, rested, capable, well fed, well touched, well loved, well fucked. Traveled well, talented, experienced, interested.
I want infinite energy at my fingertips. That's the truth.

Here is a link to Nina Hartley explaining and demonstrating how to eat pussy:
http://youporn.com/watch/200577/pussy-eating-lesson/

If for any reason that link does not work just go to youporn.com and plug in "pussy eating lesson". You'll find it.
I just happen to think this one is really well done.
That Nina Hartley is a very smart lady.
I met her once, she's lovely.

Had a much better evening at work. Yup. :)

Oh and the trainer dood that had been on vacation, turns out his religion is Santeria and one of the reasons he went to Cuba was for religious reasons. He went to some sacred sites. :)
That's just cool.

This juxtapositioned against another employee who has trouble with the fact that Obama's name sounds kinda like Osama or like some other *insert racial slur here*. I told him it was offensive and racist.
Thing is I'm pretty sure he either meant to refer to Muslims or Arabs but I don't think he actually knew either of the words.
And I'm thinking if the only name he knows for a people is a racial slur then he can't possibly have anything like a real opinion. Based on what, eh?
The ignorance and stupidity is astounding.
Don't worry, he doesn't vote.

Actually stupidity confuses me. I don't get it. But now I do see to whom all the vague political ad hominem attacks and propaganda are aimed. That guy and others like him.
I'm almost sorry for him. He seems so lost. He is lost.
I wanta take a microscope and check to see how many brain cells he has left.

A couple days back he said he grew up in a meth house. Coincidence?

Mmmkay, I'm done. Lol.

There was also another employee who is all excited about Obama but then he says he doesn't vote. ?
Wonder if it would be too much to hand him a registration form?

Anyhoo, much more hopeful day all and all. Yay!

Words from my zap oracle reading that feel significant:

"Interdimensional Traveler
The matrix suppresses your empowered awakening by convincing you that you are nothing but a particular identity, at a particular age, with such and such amount in your checking account, and the laundry list of worries and so forth. Actually, your real identity is that you are an interdimensional traveler who arrived from some other dimension at birth and who, almost every day, travels to another dimension called the dream time, has a guaranteed portal out of this matrix called death, and who interpenetrates with the varied dimensions generated by other human psyches. The life that weighs so heavily on your mind is merely one time line. As the boy Jake says in the Dark Tower books, "Go then, there are other worlds than these."

Your ego may judge the light and dark threads of the tapestry as good or bad, but a non-dualistic view sees them as interrelated.

3. Archetypal force most ascendant in your psyche related to this Issue/Choice/Problem
Stalker — warily, intensely focused on goals. Overly busy, hectic modern life tends to fragment attention. It is so easy for the day to get spent on mundane tasks and shallow entertainments. The stalker is focused on those few high value tasks, and works efficiently through the low value tasks, refusing to allow needless distractions and sidetracks. The high value tasks are the things you will remember well on your death bed. Keep focused throughout your day to ensure that you find time for those highest value tasks. The stalker is part of the Warrior approach to life.
(This was accompanied by a picture of a cougar.)

Repel Chaos with Ego Control ~
Ego attempting to schedule, organize, and otherwise control the Tao. Man proposes, but the Tao disposes. Scheduling and planning should be undertaken as a strategic activities we engage in the present, but with the awareness that future developments may over write our plans. It is not our job to prestructure the future.

Working from the center of your circle of influence.
The center of your circle of influence is you, especially your psyche, the one sovereign domain where you can be sure of having influence. Change your relationship to yourself and you change your relationship to everything else.

Be wary about listening to (or becoming) inner voices that are not calm and compassionate. The same holds true interpersonally. You may have to listen to voices that are carping, anxious, wheedling, self pitying, angry and so forth, but listen to them with calm, compassionate understanding. This empathy may gain you influence over the subpersonality (or an outer person) and it will certainly limit how much uncentered voices can influence you.

8. What to prioritize in dealing with this Issue/Choice/Problem (If the card seems negative than the priority is to transform that negative aspect.)
Blossoming of the Glorified Body. You have more than one body. Besides your gravity bound, flesh and blood, corporeal body, you have an emotional body, an energy body, a dream body, and a spirit body (if it is not lost to depotentiation and fragmentation). A more glorified body may emerge in the dream time, during out of body experiences, near death experiences and in other incarnations.
Meanwhile,*** good treatment of your physical body helps your other bodies to glow while you are in this phase of corporeal incarnation where the many bodies are in such parallel interdependence.***

Regaining Wholeness
Inner independence -- reclaiming power given over to outside objects and projections, accessing your core, essence.

Seeing through the Persona

Recognizing Abundance
an abundant universe---there are more resources available than you think, you may be doing better than you think."

~~~~~
Words copyright to Jonathan Zap. http://www.zaporacle.com/

Good advice: Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

Hmm, I've got about two and a half of those going right now.
Scuze me, gotta go find food and make tea.
.....

Okey, I had me a half a grapefruit and my tea is done steeping now.

Anyway, I reminded me of that advice last night. HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired. These are things to take care of. I learned that at an AA meeting something like 20 years ago. In that context the point was that one could end up drinking or using if one didn't take care of such things.
I thought about it last night (this morning actually) when I wanted to watch a movie. It was a question of whether I should just sleep or watch a movie. Too tired, I was too tired, so bed.

Things of late have been difficult for me.
Not that I'm not grateful for the new developments, and the new money. I'd be lying if I said it was easy though.
See new job has me in the training program. That's what they do with everyone who gets hired, even if it's for the welder/fitter position and not the welder trainee position. They even send their own folks that been there for a while back to train once in a while.
Anyway, the first thing they want me to work on is with my least favorite process that I've not used for quite a while, in a joint configuration I've not messed with for over a year.
Even though this process isn't used much out there when doing actual work. It's mostly just used for tacking things together. But I digress. The point is it's not easy for me right now, it takes some practicing. Which is okay. I've practiced enough that I'm okay at it now *when I'm practicing*. What they do then after a bunch of practice is they say "here: here is a test plate, do that again now, it's a test". It's a test and every time now my "tests" have sucked ass compared to the other practice work I've done. Why it fucking matters, that they make us do tests I've *no idea*. Why they can't just take one of the plates we've been practicing on and say, "Yes, this is good enough, and you've made quite a few of these to this quality now, so we'll move you on to the next thing. Good job.". Yes, that is what I'd like to hear. The "test" thing just seems to make me choke and feel inferior and judged and not good enough. I feel like a little kid again. And that for me is generally not a good thing, in case you don't know.
This has gotten to the point that, presently I'm afraid to go to work. Of course I will, they're paying me after all. Eventually I just have to get past this. It has to happen.
I think it was expected that I do better on such things cause I impressed them with my original weld test that I did before they gave me the job. But that was with a process I prefer and in a joint configuration I'd worked on only a couple months ago. And at that point I had nothing to lose.
I do hear lots of people have problems with the "test" thing. I'm not the only person whose mind is fucked with by this. If they just called them projects I bet they'd have a far better success rate.

But yup, it's my mind, my mind I need help with. Inefficient as their process is, it's not really in me to buck it at this point.

Truth is I don't know what to do about it. My mind that is. So, yah, right now I'm searching for other perspectives and thoughts to help my mind.

This is interesting: Deng Ming-Dao, a modern Taoist sage writes,
"Useful trees are cut down. Useless ones survive. The same is true of people. The strong are conscripted. The beautiful are exploited. Those who are too plain to be noticed are the ones who survive. They are left alone and safe.
But what if we ourselves are among such plain persons? Though others may neglect us, we should not think of ourselves as being without value. We must not accept the judgment of others as the measure of our own self-worth… Thus, to be considered useless is not a reason for despair, but an opportunity. It is the chance to live without interference and to express one's own individuality."

Sure turns the worry of not being special, good, or of value on it's head. How can we ever know what events will bring blessings or harm in their wake? All we really know is how it feels in the moment.

~~~
There are some pluses. Yesterday the usual trainer came back from vacation, and therefore I wasn't dealing with his replacement anymore. The energy of these two people is rather different. I much prefer the energy of the man I was working with last night. I'm glad he's back.
Also my boots arrived. Much better fit! Got new insoles too. :)
Also, my hair, while it's not exactly what I'd like right now (though I'm not entirely certain what I'd best like) it doesn't make me feel ugly like the configuration I had going before did. And it's at a nice fuzzy stage, good for rubbing. :)
I got a massage last weekend. That was good.
I got a few new stones too, for jewelery and holding. I've a piece of blue calcite that I'm quite attached too. It loves me and I it.

The company I had last night at work was much improved from the company I had last week. No jokes about masturbation and speculations on who is gay or what particular act makes one gay!
Yay. :)
The male energy of this place, in it's sheer volume and particular configuration/permutation has been a bit hard for me to acclimate too. I've been in a bit of shock, and very much in shielding mode. They had their quarterly meeting on Friday and there were around 150 people in that room (which is only a portion of the employees). I was the only female in that room.
Of course the human resources office is full of females. :)
Anyway, this particular cultural permutation, I've noticed seems to value competition (a thing I've never had any use for), and in a lot of cases outright crudity, and hardness (which I think some must be confusing with strength).
Please don't tell me this is how men are. This is not how men *are*. This is only how some men act sometimes, this is only what some cultures reinforce.
But yesterday I had better company, and like all situations generalities are only useful generally. Particulars make a difference. Some men are certainly more evolved than others, and will show it. And in different groupings those who are less evolved might be influenced toward greater evolution.
Anyhoo, I'm beginning to relax a bit, feel like maybe I can come out a bit, show some of me. I think I've been camouflaging a bit. Didn't really want to be seen much till I had some idea who was gonna be looking.
Yesterday (this morning actually) I came home. I'd already taken the leathers and hard hat off at work, and the boots off in my car. So now, home I was down to my carhartt overalls and tshirt. I took the apron part down, standing in front of my mirror and my belly popped out. My white soft, round belly. And thought "Oh. Oh there I am."
I really had missed me. Hopefully I wont be so hard to find from here on out. I'd like to keep me company.

Now I'm gonna do my best to use this good advice:

~Be Happy~

Slice of the body / The National Library of Medicine. Human-computer Interaction Lab, Univ of Maryland at College Park.

Have you ever not wanted to go to bed simply because you felt you hadn't had enough of the day to yourself?
Yah, I'm there. I got off of work 5 hours ago though and have to be back in 11 and a half hours. Some of that time I should sleep. Most of it I should sleep. Work is harder when I don't sleep.
G'night/morning.

I'm a flower.

"SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "Take time to stop and smell the
flowers," says an old homily. Albert Hoffman, the Swiss scientist who
discovered LSD and lived to age 102, had a different approach. "Take the
time to stop and *be* the flowers," he said. That's my advice to you,
Sagittarius. Don't just set aside a few stolen moments to sniff the
snapdragons, taste the rain, chase the wind, watch the hummingbirds,
and listen to a friend. Use your imagination to actually BE the
snapdragons and rain and wind and hummingbirds and friend. It's time to
not just behold the Other, but to *become* the Other."
http://www.freewillastrology.com/

I am, really.

These days I'm looking forward to the new pair of work boots arriving cause they'll be more comfortable than the ones I have.
Bought on my first credit card ever, which I kinda got by accident.
These days I'm looking forward to the arrival of my first paycheck and paying late bills and putting money away for gas and food and such. And the arrival of the next paycheck for paying back my boo and finally getting closer to ahead on the bills and such. And the next check after that with which I may be able to think about a car tune up, which thing might save me on the gas. And maybe which I can take my boo out somewhere with.
And these days I'm looking forward to the end of the school term cause it is a most needful thing for my boo and therefore needful for me too.
And I'm waiting for the sun to arrive too. And wondering when it will, and drifting in my mind about that place on the river and thinking Tammus and I should go back to it.
And thinking about sushi with friends. And wondering where I can fit it in.
While the inbox is overfull and the laundry waits to be put away. My room needs cleaning.
My boo is too too tired. :(  Which has nothing to do with my room, of course.

Does anybody have any good recommendations for a mechanic on the west side of Portland, Beaverton/Hillsboro area would be ideal? One who works on the weekend would also be ideal.


~~~
*Blinks*

This is suppossed to be the Tarot card for everyone today according to http://tarot.com/daily/ :

Temperance

 

Superfly sings I'm A Little Catfish


It's pretty good actually. :)

I have been up now for more than 24 hours. Yay me.
In better news Sunday I start on night shift. Wooot wooot woot. Yup. Woot. :)

I feel better today. :)

Oh and I shaved my head again. I'm thinking I'll probably grow it out from here. We'll see.
For those who answered my poll, thank you. :)

Because I haven't the energy/brain for anything deep and yet I do not want to go to bed yet regardless of how tired I am I'm gonna see if I can make one of those poll things.

Answer my poll yous! Please. :)


Poll #1195428 me hairs
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

What should I do with my hair? Presently it's shaved in the front (to my crown) and about 8 inches long and straight otherwise.

Dear Noelle, this will be worth it. It will. Don't worry, be happy and do try to get enough sleep food and cuddles.

I've a feeling I'll not be responding much to people's posts and such while I'm on this shift. Even if I want to cause I wanta talk to you. So I'll have to save up my thoughts for later.
This morning thing is disorienting. Yay for melatonin.
I have to go to bed in less than three hours in order to get up before dawn to go to work tomorrow. I get my leathers tomorrow which will stink of that stuff they put on it but they'll be mine, my leathers. Adding maybe 15 pounds with the hood and all. But I like leathers, and wearing full leathers means I won't have to buy new carharts for quite a while. And they're providing the leathers so yay.
Okey, that's all I got.
:)

I thought I was gonna go out. I'm not so sure now.
~sigh~
So. Tonight I'll read a book, watch a movie, do some yoga from this awesome DVD I got from netflix (Shiva Rea: Fluid Power: Vinyasa Flow Yoga). Oh and I'll go to the store and get some food as well. Listen to some music too.

I'm somewhat stunned from the information I've uncovered in the last day or two. I'm angry, I'm sad. I'm happy I know but I just want to scream about it.
Anyway. Yah.
If you don't know what I'm talking about read my last two posts or google excitotoxin, msg, or aspartame.
Here's a handy list of ingredient names that indicate the presence of excitotoxins:


Oh and there's this too, it's a really good movie on the subject. The last half of the movie talks a lot about how to stay well and heal:
Sweet Remedy: The World Reacts to an Adulterated Food Supply...

Now hopefully I won't need to talk about this more.

Good news is this is just another reason to eat good for me and yummy food. I've a whole list of spices I want to buy and I've learned how to make flat bread from garbanzo bean flour and it rocks. I'm probably gonna buy some black bean flour from Bob's Red Mill too.
And my job starts soon so inflow of money is not far behind.
:)
I love you.

I'm angry.

This is one of those times that I've done enough research to get angry.

I did the research about the aspartame and found out more than enough to know it's a bad thing. But that didn't surprise me. I didn't really know how bad until I did this research.

My research led me to look further. I began to research excitotoxins (because aspartame is one).

"Excitotoxin:
(Science: protein) class of substances that damage neurons through paroxysmal overactivity. They are toxins that bind to certain receptors (e.g., certain glutamate receptors) and may cause neuronal cell death.
The best known excitotoxins are the excitatory amino acids, that can produce lesions in the cNS similar to those of Huntingdon's chorea or alzheimers disease.
Excitotoxicity is thought to contribute to neuronal cell death associated with stroke. "

Ever seen someones brain rot away? I have. It used to be my job to take care of such people. Brain rotting isn't the only thing that happens though.
There are loads of other effects.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excitotoxicity
http://www.naturalnews.com/020550.html
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2141666279271222294&q=excitotoxin&ei=vIE5SN-wCoOKqgPRiLTYAw&hl=en

I'm blessed in that my mother tended to teach us to eat natural foods and treat illnesses with natural substances. There wasn't much in the way of processed food in the house and no candy at all. So, that kind of eating and way of thinking always seemed right to me. I've always read ingredient labels. I'm curious, I want to know, I like reading.

So, why am I angry? Well because these excitotoxins are *hidden* in food.
Hidden. Ever wonder what "natural flavors" means? Could be innocent but it's very likely not.

There are lists at the links below of all the different ways they hide this shit. Have fun with it or don't.
http://aromatherapy4u.wordpress.com/2007/09/20/the-little-surprises-in-our-foods-excitotoxins-that-are-killing-us-and-our-kids-daily/
http://www.rense.com/general35/hidd.htm

Now there are things one can do to counteract the effects of excitotoxins, you're probably already doing some of them. There's some good info about that here: http://www.smart-drugs.net/ias-excitotoxins.htm

I've already thrown out food.
I read my kitty's food ingredients and I cried.

I'm angry.

Yes, I'm glad I found this stuff out. I'm really wanting to be healthier so learning more ways to take care of myself is good.
Still pisses me off though. Especially for my kitty.
I'll be getting her better food as soon as I can afford it and find it. I've been planning that for a while though. I love my kitty.

I did some research for you. It's about aspartame.
See my mom sent me this letter and the truth is I already knew it but I thought maybe you didn't so it's behind the cut. Behind the second cut is even more info from research I found.

I've never really used artificial sweeteners. I just kinda ... well I've always thought they were poison. The whole idea seems wrong to me and they taste wrong to me so, there you go.
When Tammus and I went on the Atkins diet (which actually works by the way, it works in the short term and if you do it forever maybe it works  forever, or maybe not? ) we were still putting honey in our tea. We did some research and came up with stevia, a natural sweetener, which I happen to love the taste of. It also has some healing properties. We used that for a while but I actually lost the taste for sweet in my tea for the most part so really I stopped using it too.

But anyway, there is evidence that artificial sweeteners make people fat as well as sick. I thought you might wanta know that since wanting to keep the weight off is the main reason people use it.
Here's a quote:

"Effect on weight gain...
Artificial sweeteners ... have been identified as possible factors in raising population obesity levels by making the consumer take up more calories later, because it confuses the brain and body responses about sugary substances and calories - associating sweet foods with fewer calories"







There is a *lot* of information on the internet about this.
Those that disagree say that it's an "internet hoax".
Well I'm not sure what makes it a hoax exactly. These are opinions based on evidence.
Getting good information when money is involved can be very difficult and yet there is loads and loads of information out there that speaks negatively about aspartame.
All I'm gonna say is that if you use it a lot and feel yucky try not doing so and see how it goes.
Now some people will have an immediate reaction to a poison, for others the poison has to accumulate before they will have a visible reaction. Just depends on how sensitive you are.
It may very well be safe but I doubt it just based on the old adage that "you can't fool Mother Nature". Cheesy maybe but logical.

Wikipeida says this:

"Health concerns

Main article: Aspartame controversy

Aspartame has been the subject of controversy regarding its safety and the circumstances of its approval by the American FDA and European FSA. Aspartic acid, into which aspartame is metabolized, is a known NMDA receptor antagonist. Aspartame itself has been shown to have antinociceptive properties through effecting NMDA receptors in mice. Some studies have also recommended further investigation into possible connections between aspartame and negative effects such as headaches, brain tumors, brain lesions, and lymphoma. These findings, combined with possible conflicts of interest involving CEO Donald Rumsfeld in the approval process, have engendered vocal activism regarding the possible risks of aspartame."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aspartame

~~~
Ahem. CEO Donald Rumsfeld?!
Uh, yah.

Here's a news story:

 

 

And a very thorough documentary:

Anyhoo, good health to you people.


ps. If you are concerned about this you might also want to look into excitotoxins. Aspartame is an excitotoxin but there are others in the food supply, which can also be detrimental to your health. Look here for more info: http://www.dr-jo-md.com/excitotoxins.html

 

I took my extensions out cause they were itching me and had been forever. And I started taking my dreads out too. Got maybe a third to half of em done. And the front half of my head is still shaved. And my hair is about 8 inches long I guess. Touches my shoulders.
It's kinda like an anti-hairstyle. A no style. I've no idea what it's gonna end up like.
I'm thinking I'll head in the direction of chinaman hair. But it'll have to be twice as long. If I don't cut it that will take about a year and a half.
It's strange, I admit.
I just kinda can't wrap my mind around taking care of dreads. It's a lot harder than it looks. But I could always dread it again if I want.
When I wake up I'm gonna go get some hair detangler and dump it on my hair and detangle the rest.

Wasn't this an exciting post? :)

You know I don't know exactly why I've been thinking about toxic electromagnetic frequencies and subtle creepy vampiric feeder beings.
For me it seems kinda negative.
But I'm not all bummed out or anything. I think I was just kinda tired and it got me to thinking of energy drains.

Though I've had questions in my mind about the nature and especially the origin of ego for like ever.
No one has answered me that question to my satisfaction yet. Not that I've directly asked too many yet. Truth is though I've got to assume in most cases the answer will be no more than an opinion, a speculation.

If you want you can speculate with me. Why do we have an ego? Where did it come from? If you want you can even define ego. That should be fun.

I got the job. They finally called. I'll be training on day shift but it's very likely I can move to 3rd shift after I'm trained. Dayshift starts *really* early. I start Tuesday morning.
Anyhoo, woot, yay me and all. At this point I'm more relieved than excited. It took so long to get all the necessaries in and it took so long to have them make the final decision that just the waiting was stressing me out though I tried not to let it.
So woot. Now I can get on with things. That is a blessing.

Tonight I decided I wanted to know more about the feeders. I want to know more about the feeders and their relationship to ego.
I also want to understand better energy exchange. The pathways and ways of energy exchange and nourishment interest me. I wonder what's the best way.
I can't say I actually know.

Jonathan Zap's work mentions the feeders. Carlos Castanada's last book mentions something very like the feeders as well. The idea of this or these creatures is that they are a form that feeds off human energy, human awareness, especially feeding off on human suffering, amplifying it for it's food.
See, I've no doubt this could be. Life feeds on life. That's the way it is, and I see no reason why unseen entities could be feeding off human energy.
I do know that I've actually met some rather malevolent entities. I don't think they were actually feeders but they were certainly of exceptionally dark nature. My ex-stepfather had a way of attracting them.
Glad those years are over.
Anyhoo, I've been reading Jonathan Zap's Parallel Journeys cause he talks some about the feeders in there. So far I've only gotten through part 1. It is exceedingly long.
Truth is I can't say wether this work is fiction or truth but he presents it as truth and I'm willing to consider it. I want to consider it.
EDIT: I asked Jonathan about the fiction verus truth thing and he says "Think of it as fantasy fiction very loosely based on some real experiences."
Here below are some quotes that I wanted to save. I thought I'd share them.

All quotes copyright to Jonathan Zap whose work you can find here:
http://www.zaporacle.com/textpattern/article/44/parallel-journeys


"For the dark force, banality was the most corrosive acid, the heaviest bludgeon and the most perfect camouflage."

" and I beheld the rune of the place we call “Old Terra” and that you know as “Earth.” My whole being shuddered as images and words descriptive of Old Terra and the ancient primate ancestors of the elves replayed themselves from the lesson books of my childhood. I saw pyramids in the desert, great sailing ships in a green ocean, cows being killed with a bolt gun in an animal slaughtering factory, geese flying in formation in a stormy sky, a human cybernetic organism, a thermonuclear bomb bursting over a large city."

"it was the supreme master of the black art of Kundebuffer---the ability to derange the mind of a victim to the degree that love and truth could be perfectly reversed. The history of Old Terra was riddled with evidence of horrific Kundebuffer attacks. Ancient primates would take on the name of a great prophet of love and then devise and execute the most monstrous deeds---inquisition, war, genocide. They would create intricate systems of belief and law that would twist and repress the human spirit from every angle, and yet convince their victims that they held their only promise of salvation. And these vast systems of Kundebuffer could reign for hundreds, even thousands of years"

"The Demiwraith would even reveal itself to its victims, but so intoxicated were they by the mind-warping ethers of Kundebuffer that they would think themselves mighty champions fighting a supreme devil they called “Satan.” And in the blind insanity of their fury they would burn other primates alive, and repress and torment them in a thousand thousand ways, until they too were possessed with the madness of Kundebuffer and did the same to others.

"When some would glimpse this insanity the Demiwraith would spin new webs of Kundebuffer and convince these primates that prophets of love and beings of evil were merely insane hallucinations. It led them to believe that soul, spirit, will and love were all just superstition and sentimentality. It would mind-pressure them to believe that only objects and death were real, and that consciousness itself was an accident, or an automated illusion. And this new Kundebuffer was so powerful that its victims would be possessed with a ravishing death hunger and would devise great engines of war and killing weapons. "


This one I saved because of my love for the desert.

"I looked about me and saw that I had landed in a place of great power. Canyons and buttes of red stone stretched out in desolate moonlit vistas. All about me were medicine plants, the potent desert plants of the high desert----sage, agave, yarrow---to my eyes they were fringed in blue electricity. Towering buttes rose out of the desert like giant lode stones charged with planetary energy. The desert was intensely alive, and its heart beat with a rhythm as long, slow, and powerful as the rhythm of the most ancient mountains. I had arrived on Old Terra, but in a place of power, a high desert that generated its own dimension like a red planet. It lived utterly apart from the primate collective, a place of the dream time shrouded in primal mysteries."

"I began to think differently about the Demiwraith. Everything, even the darkest things, are part of the way, the great design, what some of the ancient primates named the ‘Tao’. We cannot expect to comprehend all the paradoxes and strange relationships, we can only assume that the Cosmos is unfolding as it should even though this be in ways fantastically different than what we want, or think we want. The Demiwraith is the Archparasite, and seems the adversary of both primate and elf life, but it also seems that evolution requires adversity and suffering. If a parasite forces its host to become more conscious to deal with the threat, than from a greater point of view it is more a symbiont than a parasite"

"I also cannot assume that all seemingly dark things are ultimately helpful illusions, and that underneath everything is all pretty and wonderful. I simply cannot see enough of the grand design to judge the Cosmos and say that there should be daisies and amethysts, but that there should not be spiders and cancers. There are some that say, among both your kind and mine, that things are exactly as they should be and that one need do nothing but contemplate, meditate and accept. Perhaps they are right, but when I contemplate I become aware that I have a true will to follow the quest, and that will seems to be as much a part of the great design as anything else. So, for me, acceptance means following my true will even though there is so much I cannot understand like the Demiwraith, and maybe nothing that I can fully understand.”


The Human Game - Lisa Gerrard

There's a tobacco shop across the way from my house. I never noticed it before. I wonder how long it's been there. Hmmm.
Perhaps later on in the eve I'll go investigate, plant my face on it's window.

There was a baby in my dream and I was cuddling her. I felt as maternal as I've ever felt but she was not mine but I cared for her anyhoo.
And there seemed to be some moving going on, a leaving one place and moving to another.
As dreams go I felt very calm within it.

I saw this "Israel and Syria negotiate as Turkey mediates"

and I read this "Israel and Syria negotiate as Turkey meditates"

Meditates. :)

Wouldn't that be awesome?
Yah, it would.

So yesterday I had the physical exam/tests for the job thing. It was way out in Clackamus, off of 82nd, a 22 mile drive (one way).
I do think the hearing, vision, and lung capacity tests went well. My bp was 113 over 78. Nothing to worry about. I expected that. I think I did okay on the physical tests too. Not that they were fun. They were certainly more work in a shorter period than I'd have to deal with at the job. I think I did alright though. It's been well, never since I picked up 50 pounds of weight (25 in each hand) and brought it to my waist and lowered it to the floor and then repeated the process 25 times without pause. It's been never since I stepped up and off of a big wooden box over and over for 6 minutes straight but I was fine though *really* bored. If I'm pumping my legs I like to be going somewhere not staying in place. The work equivalent would be going up and down a latter non-stop for 6 minutes straight, first at a slower pace then at a much quicker pace. There's no reason I'd have to do that. But anyway, that's the nature of these things I suppose. There were other tests too, more weight to lift and little dealyos to screw and unscrew and put em in other places.

But anyway, I think it went fine.
My back is a bit stiff and my legs are sore too but it went fine and there's no harm done.

But talking to the doctor did not go fine. To put it bluntly this man has massive communication issues. By the end of the thing I was wishing I'd never mentioned any health issues I have had. He couldn't seem to understand em cause he couldn't seem to allow me to answer his repeated and rapid fire questions without interrupting me before I could finish a sentence.
It was, in short, infuriating and stressful.
I have compassion for the man (cause it's gotta suck to communicate so abysmally) but talking to him left me with an extreme discomfort with the whole thing.
This whole physical thing is a test. Fuck tests. I don't like tests.
Not being able to communicate myself about what being in my body is like is hard for me.
The idea that he could not possibly understand the fullness of anything I told him, nor communicate it well to the job really really bothers me. I do not want that man with his broken communication and understanding explaining anything about me.
ESPECIALLY, when my access to a job is riding on it(or is it? That may be a misperception).

Do I have control over this whole situation? No. When do we ever have control?
It's fear that has me stressed. And fuck that. So over being a victim to fear.
Fuck you fear.
Fear often doesn't fuck off when I tell it to though.

I do think that just not being able to communicate and make myself understood is what bothered me the most though. With what may be riding on it, that situation only bothers me more.

I've been told the physical thing will take a couple days to process. I did leave a message with the human resources lady and told her that because I had trouble communicating with the doctor if there were any questions about the physical, I'd sure like it if they'd ask me about it.

Just to give you an idea these were the two things the doctor was questioning me about.
Heart arrhythmia and pain.
Neither of the conditions are significant anymore. Honestly I think I have the key to solving them. They're almost gone as it is. Or actually they are gone, they visit me very rarely.
If understood wrongly though I suppose someone could think I was injured or that my heart was fucked. Neither are true.
The arrhythmia is exceedingly rare now, has never been observed by a doctor and likely never will be, has never occurred at work, does not cause faintness (I can work right through it if I'd like to) and I know how to correct it and can within a few seconds now.
So, shouldn't be a problem, because it's not.
The muscle pain you've probably already heard of. With proper nutrition, exercise, sleep, sometimes vitamin and mineral supplementation, coupled with the avoidance of gluten and casein and things are doing very well.
Not a problem. And I can work through pain anyway, should it occur. It's no indication of any injury.

So these are the things I could not explain to him. I tried.

It's out of my hands at this point though, I can really only love my life as best as I'm able.
Frustration is, it happens.
I'm glad that I'm not in that sad little doctors office. I'm glad I'm not driving down 82nd street. I'm glad I'm home and have the means to buy a bottle of wine.
I'm hoping for the best. I'm asking the Universe for the best. Hear me Universe?

I love you and I love me and loving me is why I've written this all out, though I don't expect it will do anyone but me much good. I needed to speak and not be interrupted. I needed to be heard if only by me.

I found this today or yesterday really.

News: Cell Phone Use While Pregnant Could Damage Unborn
http://www.change.org/news/view?news_id=2568

I wondered but decided not to freak out about it just yet.
I'm not pregnant and don't intend to be but I do now have a cell phone and for a few years I've been using wireless with my laptop. And it's on a lot. So...
Anyway I took a nap and dreamt and woke up wanting to know.
So I'm doing research now.


Okey, I've done enough research for now. It's clear to me that radiation of any kind is a risk (on the other hand some frequencies are good for us) so I'm thinking I'd love to get me a Gauss meter so I can measure these things. It would be fun actually.

In my research I did find a neato link with all kinds of tones listed by their hz and correlations.
http://www.planetware.de/octave/table.html

It's not directly related but once we start talking about waves and radiation and hz levels then eventually we get into audible sound.

Can anybody tell me what this means? It's an I Ching reading. I can make some guesses but I'd just like another eye to look at it and see what they think. The language of I Ching is kinda weird to me so, it's a bit well.. weird for me.


3. Chun / Difficulty at the Beginning

--- ---
------- above K'an The Abysmal, Water
--- ---
--- ---
--- --- below Chên The Arousing, Thunder
-------

The Judgement

Difficulty at the Beginning works supreme success,
Furthering through perseverance.
Nothing should be undertaken.
It furthers one to appoint helpers.

The Image

Clouds and thunder:
The image of Difficulty at the Beginning.
Thus the superior man
Brings order out of confusion.

The Lines

() Nine in the fifth place means:
Difficulties in blessing.
A little perseverance brings good fortune.
Great perseverance brings misfortune.

24. Fu / Return (The Turning Point)

--- ---
--- --- above K'un The Receptive, Earth
--- ---
--- ---
--- --- below Chên The Arousing, Thunder
-------

The Judgement

Return. Success.
Going out and coming in without error.
Friends come without blame.
To and Fro goes the way.
On the seventh day comes return.
It furthers one to have somewhere to go.

The Image

Thunder within the earth:
The image of The Turning Point.
Thus the kings of antiquity closed the passes
At the time of solstice.
Merchants and strangers did not go about,
And the ruler
Did not travel through the provinces.

Wanta see my favorite bible verse?

Here it is:

"Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods?"
John 10:34

I also like "the kingdom of heaven is within you".
There's some stuff about some women who wear jewelery in their nethers mentioned as well in the old testament. That just kinda tickles me.

 

Gay Marriage Legal in CA

The ban on gay marriage in California has been lifted!!  In 30 days, gay and lesbian couples in California will legally be able to marry.

OMG!
She called and my weld test passed and my drug test passed and that means that I get the better paying job (see he offered me either the welder trainee position or the welder/fitter position dependent on the results of my test, the difference would be 4 dollars an hour tween the two wages). So yay!!!
Yay! Yay! Yay.
I still gotta do the physical (that'll be on Monday afternoon) and they're probably gonna make me lift things and maybe jog or stairstep a bit. I should pass that too, even though Lina always goes everywhere faster than me the little vixen. :) Oh and the backround check which I know will be fine. So probably I'll be starting the week after next.
AND she said they do train on graveyard shift and she doesn't see a problem with me having graveyard shift cause most people don't want to work graveyard which is why they pay more for it!
AND she said I'll probably get ANOTHER dollar an hour just cause I'll be working on the marine side. Which I didn't know anything about and that ROCKS!
All just cause I'll be dealing with more of the "elements" than in another section.
Which thing I like anyway. Fresh air that smells of water and metal and forest. Cause it's right on the Willamette next to the railroad and Forest Park beyond that.

I'm so happy.
Yay. Really really yay!
Happy happy joy joy! :)